Shocking Revelation: Keanu Reeves Declines to Honor Whoopi Goldberg, Claims ‘She’s Not a Good Person!’

Keanu Reeves is one of the most genuine and lovable people in Hollywood. Whoopi Goldberg, meanwhile, was recently voted the “most hated person” in Hollywood, a distinction that no one seems to dispute.

Reeves was chosen by the TV Production Committee to present this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award, a role he was honored to take on… until he learned he would have to share the stage and present the award to Whoopi Goldberg.

“She’s not a nice person,” Reeves said in a voice that almost sounded like he was speaking to Rufus outside the Circle K, “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who made that mistake.”

Justin Timberlake, Winona Ryder and Gloria Estefan also declined. They’re still waiting to hear back from Jackie and Kelso, who are desperate for something different to happen in their lives, but no one can seem to find them.

“We think these two are probably in a ravine somewhere after losing their social media following because of the worst apology video ever recorded,” said Ravine Capt. Joe Barron of the 136th Marine Legal Unit, “We’re going to start here in Los Angeles and go ravine to ravine until we find them.”

Others think they could also be in something more superficial, like a trench or even a puddle, but everyone agrees they’re probably dead of shame, along with their careers. Topher Grace was not available for comment, once again leaving his dignity intact.

Reeves said there’s no way he’s going to change his mind no matter how ridiculous the story gets. God bless America.