Jaleel White is reflecting on how Jonathan Brandis’ death impacted the trajectory of his career.

In his new book, Growing Up Urkel, White opened up about Brandis’ suicide in 2003 when he was just 27 years old. The two had recently learned that the show they shot a pilot for, called 111 Gramercy Park, was not picked up.

The tragedy led White, 47, to question his own experiences in the acting world.

“I stared at my computer screen, tears rolling down my face,” he wrote, per Entertainment Weekly. “I could only speculate what Jonathan was going through at that time. Just like me, he had dedicated his entire life to achieving what Leonardo DiCaprio and the rest of his peer group had seemingly accomplished with ease. In my own way, I was the more well-adjusted success story. I grew up in an industry that always told me I couldn’t match Leo’s or Tobey Maguire’s level of success and still I’d made a tremendous living for myself.”

At the time, White said his mom was staying with him, and she shared similar feelings about the negative impacts of the entertainment industry.

“She came into my office, saw my tears, and immediately sought to console me,” he recalled, saying the loss of Brandis felt like that of “a fallen soldier.”

“She’s always hated to see show business affect me in the various ways it has privately, and so she began to sob as well.”

It was then that White said he told her, “I can’t do this s— anymore, Mom. I want out. This business kills people from the inside.”

White noted that after making a name for himself as Steve Urkel on Family Matters, he knew that breaking into different roles would be difficult. For Brandis, however, 111 Gramercy Park held a lot of weight in determining what his future as an actor would look like.

“I imagine that Jonathan felt he needed that pilot to feed his soul,” White wrote. “I’ve never known an actor to ask me repeatedly about our pickup prospects the way he did when we shot 111 Gramercy Park. He was as much a veteran performer as I, our prospects for pickup should have been as clear to him as they were to me. It seemed to me that Jonathan, much like myself, had come to another career crossroads and 111 Gramercy Park would have offered him an honest chance at leading-man status.”

“In my case, I would be playing just another character role, and there would be many more down the road,” he added.

White also recounted how he met Brandis, saying that although they were “not close at all as kids,” their paths continually crossed.

“Our closest overlap until now was a mutual acquaintance, actress Tatyana Ali,” he said. “He was Tatyana’s real-life boyfriend when I shot my one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Tatyana was so smitten with Jonathan that when it came time for our on-screen kiss, she turned her head so far toward the camera, hiding the fact that our lips were barely touching.”

“Got it, Tatyana,” he joked. “No one is misconstruing our professional duty.”